A Manifestation of My Personal Struggles

I know what I'm worth and I know what I deserve. That doesn't mean I make the right decision when it comes to approaching life's  choices. How many of us have chosen the wrong man? Or the wrong job? Maybe the wrong friends? We've all done it. This is how we grow.

So if that man doesn't treat you well enough, if he doesn't give you the love and affection that you know you deserve, don't think that you need to stay with him just because beyond all of his flaws, "he's a really great guy." I've hit that point countless times. Giving the wrong man my affection. Thinking that if I give him enough of me, he'll realize that what he's got is a catch and nothing else can compare. All it really does is make me look so desperate for his attention that I'm willing to do and/or give. This does NOT make you less of a female. It also doesn't make him less of a man. It could just be that your personalities and needs/desires don't work together. All people are different and we all require different levels of affection and attention. Myself, I'm emotional high maintenance. No need to buy me shiny things or take me to expensive restaurants, though I would greatly appreciate it. All I ask is for time and affection. Show me how much you care. Constantly remind me what I mean to you. Don't do it just for me to see and feel either, let the world know how awesome we have it together. Make the world around us jealous of what we have. Make me crazy for you in the sense that not only can I get enough of you, but I'm also sick of you. I want so much of your time that I won't want it at the same time. Remind me that I'm deserving of love. Do that.

If that job doesn't meet your needs, don't think you have to change so quickly. I've been a server for most of my adult life. It has paid off my car and gotten me by with rent and spending money for the last 6 years. Not only do I love the flexibility while I make an attempt at grad school, but it also has taught me patience, restraint, and compassion. I come across some amazing people in my line of work. Not just with guests, but also with coworkers. I have met some truly magnificent souls working in the restaurant industry, and I wouldn't change what I have learned for a minute with a "better" job. I'm a stronger woman for putting up with the hardships of life as a server. I'm convinced everybody should do it for just a little bit at least. It truly humbles you to spend time serving others. Not to mention dealing with their mess. All I'm saying is look at what your job has taught you. Sure, you may need a career change, but would you be the person you are if it wasn't for what you've learned in the field you're currently in? Just think about that and be thankful for what you've had.

Do your friends make you feel like the only one trying? Maybe you think that they don't really care about your friendship, or that maybe they're taking advantage of you. Consider the fact that maybe they're waiting for YOUR phone call. It's possible you spend so much time dwelling on what your friends aren't doing for you, that you are also not doing for your friends what they expect. Or maybe you have that toxic friend that keeps you around because you're so accepting of them and don't ever disagree with them. They make you feel so good just long enough to tear you down and do it all over again. I've had that friend. I found it best to drop that person from my life. Nobody deserves to be treated that way. We are not built to be taken advantage of, whether that be emotionally, monetarily, or otherwise. We are built for kinship, acceptance, and love.

Love.

Don't ever stop loving. No matter where you are in your life, I've found that to continually love yourself, love others, love life and living, is the best way that things will always find a way of turning around. Though it may not be in the way you expect it, life does tend to work itself out.

Empath

I have no idea where this will go. All I know is it will go somewhere.

I've recently learned that I apparently give too much to others. I give too much credit, trust, benefit of the doubt, whatever you can think of. I don't believe in just second chances apparently, I believe in tenth and even twentieth chances on some occasions. I couldn't even begin to tell you why, considering nobody else in my life seems to give much credit to others.

Looking at this, I notice all of the "I"s that I have written. When people say that I am so giving and selfless, to the point that it only harms me in the long run, I really have no clue what they're talking about. I'm extremely selfish. A lot of the time.

Yes, I demand attention from those I consider dear to me. I care so much more for others than they know, which I guess could be why they don't care so much for me. They might not really understand how deep my affection goes for them. If I've let you in just a little bit, you probably matter more to me than you do to others. I truly, honestly care.

But perhaps it IS too much. It's possible people weren't meant to be cared about so much. Maybe, it's actually a negative thing. To care too much would mean sacrificing oneself. That's not exactly surviving.

So much of my mood and actions depend on how the people around me feel. I just wonder, do my feelings, emotions, thoughts, what have you, actually matter to others? I give so much of myself to those around me. Yet, I never really feel them giving back.

Is that selfish? That I expect so much more out of the people in my life? I don't know. Maybe I'm still growing. Maybe I'm still so naïve to the world that I expect people to still be good and genuine.

I don't even know where else to go from here.

On 2012...(Merry Christmas)

With the year coming to an end, it's no surprise that one would want to look back at the year and see what could have gone better, what didn't go as badly as one thought, and what opportunities could have or should not have been taken. This won't be quite as cheesy and self-involved as it could be, but it's pretty darn close.

My year has been crazy. Just over a year ago, my mother was diagnosed with stage 1 breast cancer. This whole year has been about her recovery and the aftermath. None of it was negative at all. I hurt knowing what my mother was going through, but every moment I spent helping her out and making sure she's comfortable and recovering was extremely positive for me. First of all, it showed me just how much I was willing to do for someone I truly cared about. No, I couldn't deal with the medical aspect of it at all, my stomach couldn't handle that part. However, every other task, every detail, I was able to manage without struggle. I'm no hero, I'm just a daughter. A daughter who came to terms with everything she owed her mother. I wouldn't have it any other way.

With the loss of my aunt, you would think that I would be either very morbid or extremely self- reflective. I'm kind of in the middle of the two. It was her time. She didn't lose her battle with cancer, she conquered it and when her mission was complete, she was received at the gates of Heaven. That's the optimistic way I have chosen to see her death, and no one can take that vision away from me. Today in the car I was holding my rosary and just saying a light prayer to her. Just telling her how much I miss her and how I'm thinking of her and her family as this is the first Christmas without her. Shortly after I said this prayer, this song came on the radio. You know, that song about the little boy buying shoes for his mother on Christmas Eve. She was very sick and he wanted her to look beautiful if she met Jesus that night. The only thing I could think during that song was how it seemed to be perfect timing considering I was thinking about my aunt whose sons are missing her so much this holiday season. That had to be a sign she was listening, right?

Graduating college was a different story. I finished school, spent the summer working and reading for fun. Then summer was over and I realized I wasn't going back to school this year. I plan on returning for my Master's eventually, but I would like to pay off some debt first. I thought that was a smart decision until I realized I don't make enough money waiting tables to pay off my debt in any decent amount of time. I think I need a new plan...

With those being the biggest highlights of the year, I think that's where I wrap it up. New Year's will probably bring about more thoughts to write. Merry Christmas!

November. POEMber

It's been a while since I posted anything. I guess I was lacking the proper inspiration. Today I saw a post on twitter that said "POEMber." It was by a poet that I've had the luxury of meeting and speaking with over dinner with some former classmates. His name is Shihan, maybe you've heard of him. If not, look him up. His work is worthwhile. That tweet reminded me of when he first inspired me, years ago, when I stumbled across a YouTube video of him. Following his advice, I've decided to rededicate some time to writing. As much as I think about writing, you'd think I'd have books upon books of poetry, short stories, and well, numerous versions of autobiographies. Instead, I have a sea of thoughts and dreams that yearn to be written. So let me begin by finding an oldie of mine, but a favorite. Hopefully this will lead me to countless revisions and a discovery of some sort of masterpiece. This was written 5 years ago:


Like a mixture of rock and roll with my love hip-hop,
Like the day I found music,
Like my love for sound,
This place is such a wonder.
Follow the pounding of raindrops,
Engulf yourself in fog,
Swallow the sweetest breath of air you've ever had,
You've experienced a vision of my everyday.

Exercise your mind and give to a new existence,
Trust yourself and grow,
Flow into the next beginning,
Then- Be.

Be that person you've dreamed of,
Be unafraid to love,
Be unaware of criticism.

Love yourself.
your hair,
your mind,
your body,
Then love yourself more.
More than you've ever loved anything else,
More than a cowboy loves his horse,
More than a dancer loves her shoes.

Dream of what could be.
What can we make of this life?
What more can we do
once we have vacated our own existence?
What more than grow?
And who decides it...

I loved what I was attempting to do with this, and while it needs a lot of work, I'm up for the challenge. Here's to a better version by the end of the month!

Being Published.

As many of you may know, I have recently been published for the very first time. My poem is in this year's edition of Tahoma West, the nationally recognized literary magazine published by students, faculty, and alumni of my school, UW Tacoma. Although I am extremely excited, honored, and blessed to be one of the few published in this magazine this year, I have one comment. Since my poem was accepted by the editorial staff of Tahoma West, I have already revised the poem. I feel that my new version is much better and shows my growth as a writer in such a short time. (I owe it all to my poetry instructor.) So, for those of you who will be getting a copy of the magazine (they're FREE!), I wanted to show you what I have at this point with this poem. One thing always remember, "a poem is never finished." That is a quote from my professor and it is something that comforts me in the revision process. So here is the latest version of "Superwoman"

She’s a trooper,
rarely soft, She barely cries.
She told me what will happen,
Then we sat, I asked “why?”

No one plans for cancer,
nobody has time.
The breasts that fed me and nourished me,
Gone.

I help Her up, very slowly
One inch at a time, She
scoots, and in one smooth move,
She’s up, now to attempt the walk.

It’s basically a hike
to the restroom, a challenge
just to lower her clothes, and full recovery
in the works, every time She sits back down.

Unable to bathe herself I must step up,
She sits on the stool, I take the sponge.
Her bandages still taped to her,
thank God I don’t have to see the true wound.

So Superwoman endures the worst,
while looking Her best.
She takes the beating,
And never backs down.

As much as I feel I suffer
watching my mother struggle,
She is the one in the pain.
She’s the survivor, not me.



Need to slow down

I've been so busy lately that I haven't had a chance to just slow down and catch my breath. Between school, working two jobs, and (just recently) moving, I've been on a crazy ride these past few weeks, not to mention the past few months. It seems like no matter what, as soon as it seems like I have a moment to breathe, I don't. I'm now working a new job at school and I'm loving it so far. Though some of the responsibilities and expectations would be scary and intimidating to most, not me. I'm at a time in my life where I feel like the bigger the challenge, the better. Maybe it's just the understanding that life will always just be going and I'm finally catching on to that idea. Who knows. Either way, I'm enjoying it so far and feel like I'm finally at a point in my life where I can say that I'm truly satisfied with who I am and the choices I've made. That's mostly because I'm so happy with my situation in life these days that I know I wouldn't have made it this far without the mistakes I've made along the way. I'm hoping that no matter what I remain this content, considering I know it'll only get harder from here. As soon as college ends, life will really begin and I plan to be ready for it. One more year!

A little bit of catch-up!

So, I know I said it would be every week that I would post... I've been a bit busy.

I spend most of my free time, which is very little, caring for my new puppy! I have actually had her for about 6 weeks now, she is a totaly of 12 weeks old and a very feisty little thing! Lola is a pekepom, Pekegnese- Pomeranian mix. She is such a handful I rarely have time to mess around recreationally online anymore. I have only been on my facebook and twitter accounts actually on my computer maybe twice in over a month, otherwise it's all just on my phone!

Well, after my experience listening to Maya Angelou speak, I decided to take a related class. Well, somewhat related at least, I am now taking a class called Psychology of Contemporary African American Culture. Though I am not African-American, I have a deep interest in all cultures, and when given the opportunity to study them, I always like to. Besides, most of my class is also not African-American, which I did find to be surprising, though I'm sure there is an explanation for it.

I've decided to quit my full-time job here in a few weeks and go back to part-time so that I can truly dedicate myself to my senior year in college before grad school. Though I'm worried about the monetary risk I will be taking, I'm sure I will be fine. I'm ready to actually do well in school again, and the only way to do that is to have the time to dedicate to my studies.

To wrap this quick post up, as I really do not have too much to say at the moment, I am participating in the Race for the Cure in June and am SO excited!! I still need more donations to get there, but I'm sure I will get there!!

Until next time, which is hopefully next week-
Peace, love, and happiness.