Blog Every Day. Or try to at least...

I am taking my lead from Miss Mandy Hale, writer of the blog The Single Woman, and I am choosing to make the attempt to blog every day for the month of October and celebrate being a single woman. She gives us topics to write about and since I am a few days behind in the adventure, I'm going to do the first few in just one entry.

1. My response to everyone when they ask "And why are YOU still single?"

Honestly. They follow it up with "you're just so pretty" or "you're such an amazing woman, how have you not found somebody yet?" But that's just it. Who cares how pretty you perceive me to be.

A. I'm working on feeling the same about myself. Do I know I'm pretty? Yes. I can see why others would see that in me. And sure, I see it in myself most of the time. However, I have insecurities just as much as the next woman. I feel that what it can ultimately can come down to is my need to feel better about myself MORE of the time.
B. How have I not found somebody. Let's look at just the semantics of that statement. I have not found somebody. This means that, quite honestly, there has yet to come a man who has been so good and right (notice I don't say perfect. Because, let's be honest, nobody's perfect) for me that I feel is worth being with. At least not long enough to say my single life is officially over and I'm ready to remain in said committed relationship. Though that's not to say I haven't thought I have, or maybe I made the decision to move on instead of giving it more of a try.

So yes, I am STILL single. No ex husbands, no babies, no really great and magical relationships to really speak of. Not yet. I've not given up hope. I'm just sorting through my own needs still and, to be frank, what business is it of yours to ask me such questions. Just because I have family members and friends doing the family gig right now, at my age, it does not mean I was even meant for that path. I truly believe I was meant to do more than be a mommy and wife. I'm not ready for those roles yet. Being single is truly suiting me more than I thought it would.

2.When being single really sucked....

Ahh.... Miss Hale... she has asked a great question. Being single can suck on any given day when someone makes an attempt to belittle my life choices by choosing to insult the fact that I haven't "settled down" yet. But moreso than that, being single sucked the most one night when I was with a couple of my girlfriends and they spent the entire night talking about their boyfriends and their lives living with them. I began to feel jealous that I didn't have that comfort and security of having a man around me. I hated that I knew that after dinner that night, I would go home to a cold and empty home, and they would have men waiting for them with open arms to snuggle into while they slept.

But let's be honest about a few of those points.
1. I allowed those people to take that power from me. I gave them the power to make me feel insignificant due to the fact that I live my life and go through my journey of life alone. It's within me to keep them from taking my joy and sense of independence away. The term "settle down" says it just right. If I had stuck it out with any of my past relationships, it would have just been settling. It would have also been "down," which is to say, I can get better, and I deserve better. I don't want to "settle down" with a man. I want a man to join me in my journey, not ground me from it.
2. I wanted a man to make me feel safe and comfortable? Why can't I feel those things alone? Who's to say a woman can't be strong enough and secure enough in herself to be able to go home alone and be happy about it? Yes. I am happy that I can hold my own. I'm excited to tell people that they can try to hurt me. Shoot, they can even make me bleed, break me down until I cry, but wounds heal and tears will dry. I will not be vulnerable in the same way twice. Being alone and having to endure any sort of struggle alone teaches you to be stronger, and just because society says a woman must be with a man to be complete, it doesn't mean society is right. I'm so much better and far more complete now than I would be if I had "settled down" and accepted a relationship just to feel comfort and security.

3. When being single was really awesome...

Gosh. Every day. I rely on myself. I challenge myself to be happy and trusting, independent and loving, and just to be okay without a significant other.

One specific day was Valentine's Day this year. I showed up an hour late for work. As a server, that is the second worst day EVER to be late. (First being Mother's Day.) I misread my schedule and showed up late. To my disadvantage, my manager had to be quick on his feet. A coworker was looking to stay into the night shift and my section was given to him. BUT!! One girl was talking about wanting the night off so she could spend it with her man. Thank the Lord. I had made an hour drive through traffic, heard I might have done so for nothing, but then found a way to stay at work and make some money! So, my friend took off and I got to work her section. I was so excited to work that night because I knew, being a server at our specific restaurant, you make good money most nights anyway, but a busy holiday meant that we'd be busy later and, odds are, I'd make good money. Not only did I make great money at work that night, but I got to help out a friend who really wanted to be with the man she loves (they are now engaged). I also got to really make the holiday special for a few couples who were extremely grateful to me. A few left friendly notes on their credit slips, and some just left me fat tips...I guess assuming I was sacrificing the holiday to be at work.

4. My biggest fear as a single person....

Of course my biggest fear is not finding love. Or rather, finding it too late in life.

At the moment, I don't want a family just yet. I'm still deciding if I even want the adventure of pregnancy and birth.... when there are plenty of children out there who need mothers. While I could worry that I end up wanting a baby but don't have the man to raise it with, I also just figure, I've made it THIS far alone, might as well keep on truckin!! I don't rule out being a single mother by choice. With the incredible support I have in my family and friends, I know it would be possible. Difficult, yes. But very certainly possible.

Still, I fear wanting love and never finding it. Or, maybe settling because I assume there's nobody left to find. What if the man I'm meant for has already settled himself? What if I walked away from him already because I was too immature, insecure, or just not ready, but that was my only shot?

I have so many "what ifs" about finding a man, when I should be celebrating my life as a single woman. The world is at my feet. I have no attachments to hold me down and keep me from achieving my other dreams and meeting some amazing people that I may not meet if I were grounded with marriage and a family.

5. The biggest misconception people have about single life....

That's is so incredibly sad and all we do is look for ways to meet "The One."

Yes, I have my days when I get lonely. But the single life itself is not lonely. I have connected and reconnected with many friends due to being single. I have met amazing people that uplift me every day just by reminding me that just because I'm not with a man doesn't me I'm not worth finding the right one. Someday.

Other people assume that it's because there's something wrong with us.

No. There's nothing wrong with a person, just because he or she is not with somebody. I look at the woman who's idea this was. Mandy Hale. If you check out her story, read her blog, and just spend some time getting to know who she is (as much as you can via her social media outlets), you'll find that there is really nothing wrong with her. She is happily single, after years of tormenting herself with the wrong guys. We make silly mistakes when it comes to relationships, but we learn from them. She has not only learned from her mistakes, but she is also teaching others about them as well. One who chooses to use her own life experience to teach others a way to feel better about life and who he or she is to become, that is truly an amazing person. Quite honestly, ever since I discovered her blog a couple of years back, I've looked up to her. She inspires me daily.

Single people are amazing people.

A Manifestation of My Personal Struggles

I know what I'm worth and I know what I deserve. That doesn't mean I make the right decision when it comes to approaching life's  choices. How many of us have chosen the wrong man? Or the wrong job? Maybe the wrong friends? We've all done it. This is how we grow.

So if that man doesn't treat you well enough, if he doesn't give you the love and affection that you know you deserve, don't think that you need to stay with him just because beyond all of his flaws, "he's a really great guy." I've hit that point countless times. Giving the wrong man my affection. Thinking that if I give him enough of me, he'll realize that what he's got is a catch and nothing else can compare. All it really does is make me look so desperate for his attention that I'm willing to do and/or give. This does NOT make you less of a female. It also doesn't make him less of a man. It could just be that your personalities and needs/desires don't work together. All people are different and we all require different levels of affection and attention. Myself, I'm emotional high maintenance. No need to buy me shiny things or take me to expensive restaurants, though I would greatly appreciate it. All I ask is for time and affection. Show me how much you care. Constantly remind me what I mean to you. Don't do it just for me to see and feel either, let the world know how awesome we have it together. Make the world around us jealous of what we have. Make me crazy for you in the sense that not only can I get enough of you, but I'm also sick of you. I want so much of your time that I won't want it at the same time. Remind me that I'm deserving of love. Do that.

If that job doesn't meet your needs, don't think you have to change so quickly. I've been a server for most of my adult life. It has paid off my car and gotten me by with rent and spending money for the last 6 years. Not only do I love the flexibility while I make an attempt at grad school, but it also has taught me patience, restraint, and compassion. I come across some amazing people in my line of work. Not just with guests, but also with coworkers. I have met some truly magnificent souls working in the restaurant industry, and I wouldn't change what I have learned for a minute with a "better" job. I'm a stronger woman for putting up with the hardships of life as a server. I'm convinced everybody should do it for just a little bit at least. It truly humbles you to spend time serving others. Not to mention dealing with their mess. All I'm saying is look at what your job has taught you. Sure, you may need a career change, but would you be the person you are if it wasn't for what you've learned in the field you're currently in? Just think about that and be thankful for what you've had.

Do your friends make you feel like the only one trying? Maybe you think that they don't really care about your friendship, or that maybe they're taking advantage of you. Consider the fact that maybe they're waiting for YOUR phone call. It's possible you spend so much time dwelling on what your friends aren't doing for you, that you are also not doing for your friends what they expect. Or maybe you have that toxic friend that keeps you around because you're so accepting of them and don't ever disagree with them. They make you feel so good just long enough to tear you down and do it all over again. I've had that friend. I found it best to drop that person from my life. Nobody deserves to be treated that way. We are not built to be taken advantage of, whether that be emotionally, monetarily, or otherwise. We are built for kinship, acceptance, and love.

Love.

Don't ever stop loving. No matter where you are in your life, I've found that to continually love yourself, love others, love life and living, is the best way that things will always find a way of turning around. Though it may not be in the way you expect it, life does tend to work itself out.

Empath

I have no idea where this will go. All I know is it will go somewhere.

I've recently learned that I apparently give too much to others. I give too much credit, trust, benefit of the doubt, whatever you can think of. I don't believe in just second chances apparently, I believe in tenth and even twentieth chances on some occasions. I couldn't even begin to tell you why, considering nobody else in my life seems to give much credit to others.

Looking at this, I notice all of the "I"s that I have written. When people say that I am so giving and selfless, to the point that it only harms me in the long run, I really have no clue what they're talking about. I'm extremely selfish. A lot of the time.

Yes, I demand attention from those I consider dear to me. I care so much more for others than they know, which I guess could be why they don't care so much for me. They might not really understand how deep my affection goes for them. If I've let you in just a little bit, you probably matter more to me than you do to others. I truly, honestly care.

But perhaps it IS too much. It's possible people weren't meant to be cared about so much. Maybe, it's actually a negative thing. To care too much would mean sacrificing oneself. That's not exactly surviving.

So much of my mood and actions depend on how the people around me feel. I just wonder, do my feelings, emotions, thoughts, what have you, actually matter to others? I give so much of myself to those around me. Yet, I never really feel them giving back.

Is that selfish? That I expect so much more out of the people in my life? I don't know. Maybe I'm still growing. Maybe I'm still so naïve to the world that I expect people to still be good and genuine.

I don't even know where else to go from here.

On 2012...(Merry Christmas)

With the year coming to an end, it's no surprise that one would want to look back at the year and see what could have gone better, what didn't go as badly as one thought, and what opportunities could have or should not have been taken. This won't be quite as cheesy and self-involved as it could be, but it's pretty darn close.

My year has been crazy. Just over a year ago, my mother was diagnosed with stage 1 breast cancer. This whole year has been about her recovery and the aftermath. None of it was negative at all. I hurt knowing what my mother was going through, but every moment I spent helping her out and making sure she's comfortable and recovering was extremely positive for me. First of all, it showed me just how much I was willing to do for someone I truly cared about. No, I couldn't deal with the medical aspect of it at all, my stomach couldn't handle that part. However, every other task, every detail, I was able to manage without struggle. I'm no hero, I'm just a daughter. A daughter who came to terms with everything she owed her mother. I wouldn't have it any other way.

With the loss of my aunt, you would think that I would be either very morbid or extremely self- reflective. I'm kind of in the middle of the two. It was her time. She didn't lose her battle with cancer, she conquered it and when her mission was complete, she was received at the gates of Heaven. That's the optimistic way I have chosen to see her death, and no one can take that vision away from me. Today in the car I was holding my rosary and just saying a light prayer to her. Just telling her how much I miss her and how I'm thinking of her and her family as this is the first Christmas without her. Shortly after I said this prayer, this song came on the radio. You know, that song about the little boy buying shoes for his mother on Christmas Eve. She was very sick and he wanted her to look beautiful if she met Jesus that night. The only thing I could think during that song was how it seemed to be perfect timing considering I was thinking about my aunt whose sons are missing her so much this holiday season. That had to be a sign she was listening, right?

Graduating college was a different story. I finished school, spent the summer working and reading for fun. Then summer was over and I realized I wasn't going back to school this year. I plan on returning for my Master's eventually, but I would like to pay off some debt first. I thought that was a smart decision until I realized I don't make enough money waiting tables to pay off my debt in any decent amount of time. I think I need a new plan...

With those being the biggest highlights of the year, I think that's where I wrap it up. New Year's will probably bring about more thoughts to write. Merry Christmas!

November. POEMber

It's been a while since I posted anything. I guess I was lacking the proper inspiration. Today I saw a post on twitter that said "POEMber." It was by a poet that I've had the luxury of meeting and speaking with over dinner with some former classmates. His name is Shihan, maybe you've heard of him. If not, look him up. His work is worthwhile. That tweet reminded me of when he first inspired me, years ago, when I stumbled across a YouTube video of him. Following his advice, I've decided to rededicate some time to writing. As much as I think about writing, you'd think I'd have books upon books of poetry, short stories, and well, numerous versions of autobiographies. Instead, I have a sea of thoughts and dreams that yearn to be written. So let me begin by finding an oldie of mine, but a favorite. Hopefully this will lead me to countless revisions and a discovery of some sort of masterpiece. This was written 5 years ago:


Like a mixture of rock and roll with my love hip-hop,
Like the day I found music,
Like my love for sound,
This place is such a wonder.
Follow the pounding of raindrops,
Engulf yourself in fog,
Swallow the sweetest breath of air you've ever had,
You've experienced a vision of my everyday.

Exercise your mind and give to a new existence,
Trust yourself and grow,
Flow into the next beginning,
Then- Be.

Be that person you've dreamed of,
Be unafraid to love,
Be unaware of criticism.

Love yourself.
your hair,
your mind,
your body,
Then love yourself more.
More than you've ever loved anything else,
More than a cowboy loves his horse,
More than a dancer loves her shoes.

Dream of what could be.
What can we make of this life?
What more can we do
once we have vacated our own existence?
What more than grow?
And who decides it...

I loved what I was attempting to do with this, and while it needs a lot of work, I'm up for the challenge. Here's to a better version by the end of the month!

Being Published.

As many of you may know, I have recently been published for the very first time. My poem is in this year's edition of Tahoma West, the nationally recognized literary magazine published by students, faculty, and alumni of my school, UW Tacoma. Although I am extremely excited, honored, and blessed to be one of the few published in this magazine this year, I have one comment. Since my poem was accepted by the editorial staff of Tahoma West, I have already revised the poem. I feel that my new version is much better and shows my growth as a writer in such a short time. (I owe it all to my poetry instructor.) So, for those of you who will be getting a copy of the magazine (they're FREE!), I wanted to show you what I have at this point with this poem. One thing always remember, "a poem is never finished." That is a quote from my professor and it is something that comforts me in the revision process. So here is the latest version of "Superwoman"

She’s a trooper,
rarely soft, She barely cries.
She told me what will happen,
Then we sat, I asked “why?”

No one plans for cancer,
nobody has time.
The breasts that fed me and nourished me,
Gone.

I help Her up, very slowly
One inch at a time, She
scoots, and in one smooth move,
She’s up, now to attempt the walk.

It’s basically a hike
to the restroom, a challenge
just to lower her clothes, and full recovery
in the works, every time She sits back down.

Unable to bathe herself I must step up,
She sits on the stool, I take the sponge.
Her bandages still taped to her,
thank God I don’t have to see the true wound.

So Superwoman endures the worst,
while looking Her best.
She takes the beating,
And never backs down.

As much as I feel I suffer
watching my mother struggle,
She is the one in the pain.
She’s the survivor, not me.



Need to slow down

I've been so busy lately that I haven't had a chance to just slow down and catch my breath. Between school, working two jobs, and (just recently) moving, I've been on a crazy ride these past few weeks, not to mention the past few months. It seems like no matter what, as soon as it seems like I have a moment to breathe, I don't. I'm now working a new job at school and I'm loving it so far. Though some of the responsibilities and expectations would be scary and intimidating to most, not me. I'm at a time in my life where I feel like the bigger the challenge, the better. Maybe it's just the understanding that life will always just be going and I'm finally catching on to that idea. Who knows. Either way, I'm enjoying it so far and feel like I'm finally at a point in my life where I can say that I'm truly satisfied with who I am and the choices I've made. That's mostly because I'm so happy with my situation in life these days that I know I wouldn't have made it this far without the mistakes I've made along the way. I'm hoping that no matter what I remain this content, considering I know it'll only get harder from here. As soon as college ends, life will really begin and I plan to be ready for it. One more year!