I have no idea where this will go. All I know is it will go somewhere.
I've recently learned that I apparently give too much to others. I give too much credit, trust, benefit of the doubt, whatever you can think of. I don't believe in just second chances apparently, I believe in tenth and even twentieth chances on some occasions. I couldn't even begin to tell you why, considering nobody else in my life seems to give much credit to others.
Looking at this, I notice all of the "I"s that I have written. When people say that I am so giving and selfless, to the point that it only harms me in the long run, I really have no clue what they're talking about. I'm extremely selfish. A lot of the time.
Yes, I demand attention from those I consider dear to me. I care so much more for others than they know, which I guess could be why they don't care so much for me. They might not really understand how deep my affection goes for them. If I've let you in just a little bit, you probably matter more to me than you do to others. I truly, honestly care.
But perhaps it IS too much. It's possible people weren't meant to be cared about so much. Maybe, it's actually a negative thing. To care too much would mean sacrificing oneself. That's not exactly surviving.
So much of my mood and actions depend on how the people around me feel. I just wonder, do my feelings, emotions, thoughts, what have you, actually matter to others? I give so much of myself to those around me. Yet, I never really feel them giving back.
Is that selfish? That I expect so much more out of the people in my life? I don't know. Maybe I'm still growing. Maybe I'm still so naïve to the world that I expect people to still be good and genuine.
I don't even know where else to go from here.
